Isn’t it such a drag to do endless chores for your pet?  Don’t you just wish you could be 6 years old again and just fake promise to take care of the animals?  Great news!  I have discovered a secret that will save you literally minutes a day – freeing up your schedule immeasurably.   It’s called “automation” – setting up systems so that you can put in the least amount of effort while still keeping your pets alive.   This guide is more about cats because cats are more emotionally secure and easier to automate.  

Playtime.

Personally, I find it too much effort to actually move the laser pointer.  First you have to create interesting and varied patterns to make sure your pet is extremely confused and bites themselves.  Really cerebral.   Then there is the monumental effort of moving your hand around.   Not to worry.  Set this Cat Laserbeam Toy on the ground and the machine thinks up ways to plays with your pet.  You get to work on that ham sandwich over there.  No one’s suddenly pretending to be your new best friend.

Food.

This Automatic Feeder gives you 8 blissful days before they start screaming incessantly.   I have heard that most pets can be trained to walk to the store with a $10 bill tucked in their harness.   You must explain repeatedly to make sad faces so that the grocery clerks will understand what they want.    Don’t fool yourself – your pet will seriously never speak English in front of other people.  After a few days of gnawing hunger, your pet will also automatically figure out to bite a hole in the package, and nudge the food into the container.

Waste.

Cats especially love loud noises and rapid movement, so they will love Litter Robot.   Any time you can introduce something noisy and made of unnatural materials, the better.  As an added perk, Litter Robot looks futuristic which is important to animals.  It’s a steal at $315.   You’d end up spending that much on Oust spray and scented candles to cover up that scent.

I have something for dog waste too: Poop Freeze.  This product makes the worst of the worst ice cold so you can pick it up.  Actually just kidding.  We both know you’re totally leaving that on the sidewalk.  The person who steps in it will be grateful you make it rock hard, once they realize it’s not a rock.

Keeping them out of your business.

Pets are nosy and many are actually thieves.  My cat just takes things.  He doesn’t even ask to borrow them. Animals don’t realize that your stuff belongs to you.  They’re selfish, yes, but it’s okay because there are ways to keep them out of your stuff.   Pet Trainer Alarm works by creating an invisible barrier they don’t know about – when your pet moves closer, the most horrible sound possible is emitted from the device, sending your pets flying to shiver somewhere else.   Indoor Pet Barrier works similarly, except it makes a jolting warning noise when your pet first enters the forbidden zone and then eventually produces “a mild static correction” if your pet pushes his luck.   It probably doesn’t hurt that much.   And if it really smarts, at least your pet will never figure out that you were responsible.   They’ll just assume they were electrocuted by karma. They will ultimately move on, becoming the fiercely independent pet of your dreams.

Please note that opinions expressed in this article are not intended to substitute for proper pet care.   Please treat your pets well. Special thanks to Sky Mall for being an exceptionally easy target.

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